Outlooks?

One of the pictures I took at the Singapore Botanic Gardens - mini orange pumpkin-like fruit.

19th post.

Hey bitches.

Good news!!! For me, at least (hehe) - I'M GONNA GET BRACES!!! In like, what, three weeks' time? :D Next week is going to be extraction of two teeth, the following week another two teeth, and the third week from now will be braces day!!!

So... About the extraction, I'm pretty intimidated by it. I've never been a person tolerable of pain, so when it comes to things like injuries, injections, etc, i really REALLY want it to be painless, or I'd rather give it a pass. But the braces thing actually mean a lot to me, cause i don't really like my teeth now and it gives me trouble when I'm eating, which doesn't give me the full happiness of enjoying ma food :(

Anyway, today's appointment was mould-taking, X-rays and photographing my teeth to (probably) document the progress. I asked the doctor if it would be painful and... he said i could highlight to the surgeon that i don't want to feel painful at all, so hopefully it will work and i can work with the numbing paste before the injection (ugh, the word makes me feel all tingly inside).

Well, i will be taking pictures of my teeth throughout the whole treatment (suggested by a friend currently undergoing treatment) and at the end i guess i will upload all at one shot as a video or gif? It would be nice to see it 2 years later :)

Gosh, talking about it is getting me all hyped up about it hehe. I will sure show you guys pictures of me and my braces when i have them!!! If anybody reads at all (haha), that is. Even if not, i can always refer to this as a teenage diary that i can look back, read and smile at :)

Anyway, a week will go by real quickly so i will update soon!

Meanwhile, if there are any important things i will put it up here too!

Maybe we've all grown up, but have we grown apart?

Revelation.

18th post.

So... the results for the last subject has been revealed. And... it really ranks last on my list. Makes me feel so, so disappointed in myself.

Why couldn't have i done better? Why am i worse than others? Why am i worse than what I've been before? WHY????

Well, this means Miss Belinda Koh here is going for remedial class with Miss Lee! Must really put in much more effort now to improve this subject, grr. As much as i don't really like it, i must get better!!! GP is an important subject, i know. But i think I'm too used to writing narratives that my GP essays tend to get very descriptive, hmm...

Well, I'm sure Miss Lee will try her best to help me :)

Anyway, I'm trying my best not to care about this issue anymore, but when i actually start talking to you, i do expect a reply. It isn't demanding, just basic manners. I would be lying if i said I'm totally unaffected, but I'm trying to close my mind to it alr. So please... spare me the pain of not getting a simple reply.

Another thing i would like to share with you guys is the fact that i actually hate last minute plans or change of plans. Like, hello, if you want to meet up tomorrow, decide at least one day earlier? And when the plan is set don't change it like the night before? It's quite annoying and frustrating having other people to accommodate to your schedule, no? UGH

So today was a rather eventful day!
1) Racial Harmony Day - dressed in punjabi costume!!!

2) SUPPOSEDLY econs project - stressed out last night about the presentation and forgone doing tutorials, only to face with internet problems and had to postpone. Nobody's fault but still irritated.

3) SUPPOSEDLY (again) interview with the Thaipan boss for PW. Left early from dance and rushed down to GO thinking i was late, only to find NOBODY there and only when i checked my phone i see the message saying he won't be here today.

4) Dance training was still da bestttt. Always enjoy training with girls like Sam, Eve and JieYing so much!!! :)

5) Went out for lunch @ ban mian place! Kena scolding for bringing bubble tea in, got insulted for our "uselessness of studying" because we "can't even read the sign". oh wow.

6) On the bus back, got ridiculously accused and lashed by this stupid old man that apparently thought i was a foreigner from India or somewhere. Started saying things like "stupid la you come Singapore for what", "you clever you won't come Singapore, let people look down on you", "you want die also die back in your country don't die in Singapore", "go back to your country la", and then it gets worse, and he began starting saying crude stuff like "faster go and die la you" and "suck my cock".
LIKE HELLO OLD UNCLE DON'T BE SO GROSS CAN. Your private part is like what, probably dysfunctional already and it's not like anybody want to even look at it, let alone "suck" it. A MILLION YUCKS. MADE ME SO PISSED I ALMOST WANTED TO CRY AND PUNCH HIM.
Hello stupid old uncle, doesn't mean you're old means you have the right to scold foreigners ok, and its not like I'm a foreigner hello. Im 100% Singaporean. Time to get your eyes checked up la. You're just lucky i didn't take a picture of you. I will sure STOMP you and report you to the police. It is clear that you're trying to provoke racial disorder and this threatens our country's social cohesion. You're a threat to our society.

UGH. okay enough of those shit.

I'm getting really sick of life nowadays. The people i care about doesn't seem to care about me as much as i want them to, and that sucks. Who knows, they probably don't care at all. yeah.

Well, i don't really want to continue anymore. Mood is shitty now.

I really hate being told what to do - what i should wear, how i should behave and talk. Especially from you. You used to be my only form of escape from all these crap, and now you're turning into one? So who do i turn to now?? Sigh... Doubt you'll ever understand.

Expecting a lonely yet wonderful day tomorrow. Love saturdays. Oh, plus Mummy's birthday tmr!!! :D

Pressure.

17th post.

Hey guys :) will be posting more often from now on cause... i want to document every single thing that happened in my life so it will be much more memorable next time!

Will try to put some pictures here, haha! Too wordy and boring, i know. But well, this is me. Will post some of the pictures I've taken so far as a "beginner photographer" haha (self-proclaimed).

Anw, my titles will almost always be a general word of what i will be blogging about!

So.... Pressure.

Something I've been feeling quite a lot recently, be it academically (most important as of now), relationship-wise, friendship-wise, and emotionally and spiritually.

I mean, after the first exam in school, it only reveals the "smart" and the "smarter", leaving behind the others who will feel inferior and all. Well, I've been at the bottom before, and the top too. But coming up to JC, everything changes. I wonder, though, if this is because of the capabilities of the certain subject departments, or just me being stupid/ not hardworking enough.

I didn't do very badly, but i can't say I'm pleased with my results either - in fact, pretty disappointed. (not to offend anyone or show off here, but there's nothing to show off about, really) Just very average. In the middle. Insignificant.

Nobody notices you unless you're at the very top, or the very bottom. Top students enjoy stretching lessons to stretch their potential, and weaker students enjoy concentrated remedial lessons. So what do we "middle tons" get? Nothing but the silent expectation to work hard by ourselves.

Sigh... But life's like that, isn't it?

Just have to work hard for yourself and not anyone else. No one is there to motivate you except yourself. Ultimate goal, have to reach it yourself.

So it's your own race to run after all, so might as well do it with the best you have.

Scholars, muggers, prodigies. Well, these three types of people seem to be everywhere. Pressurising much?

Scholars - they are smart and probably knows more syllabus than we do. And somehow, the information seem to always stay in their head. Like i always jokingly say, "aiya, the information all in their hard disk liao, loaded into the brain already!" Cannot deny.

Muggers - these people are seen everywhere with a book. Or maybe they're just sitting there stoning, but God knows what is going through their mind man. The latest lecture on gravitation? The many equations in AP, GP? The definitions and concepts of monopoly, oligopoly? or how to draw the bonding of the organic molecules?? In short, they are normal intelligence with scary determination. (which works as well)

Prodigies - these are the smart-asses who just don't carry the "scholar" label. Practically the same as scholars, just that they have a slower processor comparatively, maybe? Speed of information download can be very fast though.

Well, above are the three greatest source of pressures to me (right now). I don't really think about it all the time though.

I hope i use the pressure effectively and positively though :)

Well, thanks all of you guys for reading (if you are) and have a good year ahead. For my dear friends in JC1, work your best for promos!!! It's gonna be worth it!!! :)

"STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS!"

Invisible?

16th post.

Invisible. Yeah, that's what I've been feeling these days. No better word to describe it.

Amidst all the negativity, i found that i actually do have a friend that cares about me. You know who you are. I wanna thank you a lot for giving me such encouraging words and i teared looking at the mail you sent. I'm truly touched and so glad i have a friend like you. I may not be the best at expressing myself and all, but just... Thanks :) At least i know someone is there.

Then again, maybe everyone's been there all along, just that I'm to preoccupied about myself and my problems and how i think that the world will be better without me around that... i chose not to believe it anymore.

Well, only time will tell.

Y'know, I've been thinking lately about the term "best friend". I really miss those days when i actually had a best friend. Just stick around all day and mess with each other and laugh like crazy, and we didn't need to worry if we would offend each other because, well we know we're just kidding. And then when rough times hit, you could share anything and everything with her and sometimes try to figure out ways to solve them together.

Yeah, i miss that...

For now, although i don't have a "best friend", i do have my girls, who i know will always be there for me and i love them. I have my boy, who sometimes can be my best friend but y'know, what happens when you have boyfriend problems?

Once, when my emotions hit rock bottom, i'd feel so depressed about myself just because everyone has a best friend except me. But i guess mine will soon appear in my life and accompany throughout the rest of my life.

I can wish, right?

PMS?

15th post.

PMS for pre menstrual syndrome, or PMS for post midyears sadness??

Hi guysss. Almost all the midyears results have been given back, and i can't say I'm happy or sad... Hmm, well, at least i didn't fail :) Thank God for that.

Anyway, the past week or so has been damn horrible for me. Cant even tell if it's plain over thinking or it's actually damned real. I don't like this one bit. JC really makes me feel so lonesome and companionless even with so many people around... Of course i'm thankful for my friends, but recently i just feel like... maybe i don't really have anyone who truly cares about me.

Well okay, enough of the negativity. On the bright side, i think I'm finally going to get rid of that cui-max laptop of mine. GUYS PLEASE DO NOT EVER BUY DELL LAPTOPS. Hope to get a new one soon, cause this burden PW is bugging me to complete it every single day -_-. Okay fine, I'm actually supposed to do my EOM now but i really have no more ideas to generate yo. :( PW KILLS BRAIN CELLS.

After spending the day "detached from the world", or so some classmate said, i feel like I'm actually fine being alone in school. Of course i feel miserable and lonely and all, but at least it's just myself, i don't have to handle any questions. Call me selfish, but i don't really like to tell people my stuff, but i like to hear people tell me their stuff.

Haven't been okay with being alone before, especially in secondary school. So this is rather new for me i guess? But well, being alone saves people from the burden i impose on them, so all's good.

Have been thinking much lately about bucking up for my academics, yet wanting to give up jc life so bad. SIGH. Well, i guess since i took this road i should just push on huh? Need to catch up on my lectures and tutorials that are long overdue (since dance concert finished).

Only thing that keeps me going is the fact that i still have my boy and my girls with me. Thanks all of you <3 I know i haven't been very happy of late, but i will be better soon! Don't worry so much! :)

One last thing - do i really look very cheerful and positive, as if nothing can bring me down?

Cause, obviously, that's far from true. Yet people keep telling me that.

I guess that's one good thing about me?

Wrong timing.

14th post.

Sick at the wrong timing... I cannot even make up my mind as to whether i should go to school or not. Lectures. Tutorials. Ugh.

Feeling so groggy now yet stuck in school. Really want to go home and sleep right now instead of watching something i don't want to see. -_-

Time, please pass by as soon as possible.

disappointment?

13th post.

Hey guys! Been so long since i update huh? Haha, too busy during dance concert and midyears and other times i'm just plain lazy heh. Stupid laptop's not helping by throwing tantrums and refusing to boot up either. HMPH.

Anyway, there were too many things that happened recently i don't even know where to start... I guess most recently and importantly will be the midyear results? I can't say i'm happy with the results, yet i guess i should accept it rather than wallow in disappointment? :( I guess i just didn't try hard enough? But honestly, even looking at the physics or maths paper now, i prolly still cannot solve the damned qns -_- The good thing is, however, that i actually passed all subjects given back! :D (phy and math)

Kinda worried for chemistry and econs though... Chemistry is supposedly my best subject, but the paper was horrendous - practically the WORST paper i've done in my entire life man... No joke. Economics... well, it's a new subject and honestly i have no idea what i'm required to write in my answers... so i guess i can only pray? I feel quite good about my answers though, just maybe the evaluation?? Well, time shall tell.

Maybe i can be said to hold high expectations for myself when it comes to studies, but it's only because everyone else has higher expectations of me... Daddy, Mummy, maybe amah or even my brother... distant relatives - needless to say. I guess they're all expecting me to do them proud by bringing straight A's back. But i've never been that good actually. PSLE excluded cause i didn't really study much and most people around me now (in jc) are like higher performers than i am in PSLE, so that cannot be an accurate measure of intelligence, right?

Every single time, i would hear my teachers say things like, "Belinda, i'm sure you can do much better than this." "Belinda, i was expecting a much better result from you." or "Belinda, i thought you could get an A for me". Is it really because i didn't work hard enough every time? Such that i let down my teacher's expectations of me? I really don't wanna disappoint any of them... Especially the teachers i like. That was how my higher chinese grades jumped from a usual C5/C6 to an A1/A2.

Well, enough ranting here. I guess i just need to pull up my socks and step up my game now... Shit just got real yo. About 3 more months to promos and a year and a half to As.

Go Belinda.
Go guys :)

Oh yeah! One last thing. This first official week of starting school (excluding exam week) was really awesome with guys like chewy, xiaoqi, kee and nua around :D JC life is really much much much more bearable with you guys around. So thankful for you guys :) A week of laughter, smiles and fun!

To my dear girls too, although i may be pointy and always poking fun or criticising you guys with my sarcastic tone, i don't really mean it - and even when i do, it's for the better of you guys. I'm sorry i can be so kns sometimes but i really love you guys and appreciate all of you for all the love and support :) hope we really can go overseas tgt one day! <3 <-- i think must wait until adult liao lor. hahaha

To my dearest boy, thank you for tolerating me and my nonsense for so long and not complaining (ok la occasionally). You are da best and yep, i love you <3